My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's Friday. Sex?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
