does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
