i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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