she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
