When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
