Four minutes until I can fart!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
