this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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