Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
