I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
