I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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