did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize