if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
