Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
