My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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