wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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