Four minutes until I can fart!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
