U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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