It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
