He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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