Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
