I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
