I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
