yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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