Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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