RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
