I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
