We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
