At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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