so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
