I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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