Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
