I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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