This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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