I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
