Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
