Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
