I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
