No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
