you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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