Got a toothbrush?
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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