She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
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