my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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