Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dignity is for republicans.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
