There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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