dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
