she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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