Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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