I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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