You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
