she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have aggressive nipples.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
