Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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