Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize