i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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