Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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