I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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