My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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