PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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