trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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