She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
