Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
