that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
